Overheard in Memphis
- by Kerry Vaughan
Photo by Lindsey Turner
Memphis is a hodgepodge - a melting pot. An odd group of musicians, artists, and horn dogs. We’re brilliant; we’re idiotic; we’re hilarious. Especially after we’ve been drinking. Here’s a sample of some of the offensive, sweet and just plain strange things I’ve overheard in Memphis bars.
“I’m taking care of myself…with my fucking muscles!”
(Then he does the ‘I’m touching my finger to my hot ass and it’s sizzling’ move about four times)
“Does it have the makings of a blues song? Is there anything in there we can work with?”
“So walking home from the bar Saturday night, I decided to use the walk to, you know, figure shit out. OK…so I figured out I need to get my shit together, and I need new sandals.”
“I know you from somewhere. I remember faces but not names. But I sure remember numbers. So I’m going to call you Zero.”
“That picture speaks volumes. And if there’s anything I like, it’s speaking volumes.”
Girl to drummer: “That’s a big cymbal.”
Drummer: “It’s a cymbal of my manhood.”
“It’s hard to be drunk all the time. Homeless people have a rough time of that. If I was drunk and homeless, I’d train a team of bums to rob grocery stores. Cause ya know, we in the city so they can’t kill a deer or nothin’ but we sure as hell can kill…a pack of Goldfish crackers.”
“The secret to happiness is drinking constantly. Not getting off work and drinking a lot, but just pacing yourself all day. This is the happiest day of my life.”
Guy 1: “It’s my parents’ 40th anniversary. What do you think I should get them?”
Guy 2: “The Highlander box set.”
“The trees are in heat.”
At a concert, in the quiet between songs: “He had a Band-Aid on it, but I tore it off!”
Girl: “Oh, Mr. Mustache just walked in with a bunch of friends.”
Guy: “Maybe he made them at the mustactory.”
Girl: “Well, he failed. They don’t all have mustaches. Oh wait, wow. Yeah they do.”
Guy: “He’s the most facial hair deficient of them all.”
Girl: “He’s facially hairly.”
Guy: “Facially hairless.”
Girl: “Facially hair-more?”
Guy: “He walked in with his facial hair-em.”
“Mandolins are so 2001.”
Guy: “My idle thoughts consist of pigs sitting around thinking ‘fuck you, cows. Fuck you, chickens. You think I’m unclean but I don’t have any diseases unless you cut me wrong. Uh, don’t bring up the pigs/cows/chicken thing’.”
Girl: “Oh I won’t tell our friends.”
Guy: “No, I mean on a date.”
“I love you…that’s mostly the alcohol talking. But the rest is true.”
“We’ll give Canada a nickel. No, they might get mad….that’s my problem with Bryan Adams.”
Guy 1: “We should all take our shirts off.”
Guy 2: “You only think that because you work out.”
Guy, walking into the bar: “Oh hey guys what’s goin o - oooooh, LASER BEAMS!”
Read more humor on Kerry Vaughan’s blog, Scribblescrawl.